a year ago today....

a year ago today, we got pulled over for the very first time.

a year ago today, we cry together over the phone and told each other it would be okay. 

a year ago today, i couldn’t sleep.

a year ago today, you kept coming in and out of my dream, saying goodbye, leaving me, making me cry.

a year ago today, you almost died.

a year ago today, the day my life turned upside down.

a year ago today, i was a wreak.

a year ago today, i couldn’t do anything unless i was near you.

a year ago today, all i wanted was you.

a year ago today, i sat by your bed and did everything in my power not to hold you close and tell you never to leave me again.

a year ago today, i watched you with pain on your face.

a year ago today, i met your mother and felt both our hearts stop for a second.

a year ago today, i almost kissed you.

a year ago today, if things had turned out differently…..

if things had turned out differently, there would be no point in me telling you about a year ago today.

 

i always thought that once my uncle died my aunt just didn't care and was kind of glad it happened. they weren't getting along when he killed himself... just how i saw it when i was 9 years old...

but my mom emailed her for a picture that she might have of my cousin for a calendar we are making for my grandma. we don’t leave near by to take one like we have of my other cousins. any who this is what she said in the message.

“ I went through my photo boxes and found a great picture of Jackson and Curtis today.  So sorry it took so long to do this….  It’s so hard to go through them!  I think I’ve been crying the whole time.  To be honest, I cropped myself out of the family picture that I ended up using and that was hard too - that was my little family.  It’s just so incredibly sad to me.  He has truly missed everything. “

I just started bawling. doesn’t help that i’m mood swingy and already about to cry at anything.

it made me realize that she probable was just trying not to think about how much she lost. i mean really- she thought she was going to grow old with my uncle. i know that she didn’t really want to have to separate from him, but that at the time he was going to slide down a slippery slope. he abused her one night and she threw him out. she told people. we tried to get him help. it wasn’t like she was going to hide it. she knew that wasn’t him, and if that was what he was going to start to do she needed to put her self out of danger. she had a baby who wasn’t even one at the time. it all makes sense now. now that i’m 10 years older from when it happened. i just wish we could have helped him out more. we all thought he was okay. that he was getting better. he was getting more time to see his son. they were working things out. he just didn’t…. 

in one stupid thought that he wasn’t good enough he killed himself. where i leave 1 in 7 people think about suicide. how many more might think about it and not report it to surveys like that. maybe it really is 1 in 3.

i totally got off of the subject but at the same time hit the right part of the target. don’t ever think that you’re not good enough. don’t ever let someone tell you you can’t do something. unless they tell you you can’t kill yourself. killing yourself doesn’t only hurt yourself- it hurts everyone. everyone who loves you, everyone who knows everyone who loves you- in the end it impacts the whole community. 

DON’T EVER THINK LESS THEN YOUR WHOLE WORTH!! You are so much more!!!

and don’t ever judge anyone when you can’t put yourself in their shoes. i learned that today.