a year ago today....

a year ago today, we got pulled over for the very first time.

a year ago today, we cry together over the phone and told each other it would be okay. 

a year ago today, i couldn’t sleep.

a year ago today, you kept coming in and out of my dream, saying goodbye, leaving me, making me cry.

a year ago today, you almost died.

a year ago today, the day my life turned upside down.

a year ago today, i was a wreak.

a year ago today, i couldn’t do anything unless i was near you.

a year ago today, all i wanted was you.

a year ago today, i sat by your bed and did everything in my power not to hold you close and tell you never to leave me again.

a year ago today, i watched you with pain on your face.

a year ago today, i met your mother and felt both our hearts stop for a second.

a year ago today, i almost kissed you.

a year ago today, if things had turned out differently…..

if things had turned out differently, there would be no point in me telling you about a year ago today.

 

i always thought that once my uncle died my aunt just didn't care and was kind of glad it happened. they weren't getting along when he killed himself... just how i saw it when i was 9 years old...

but my mom emailed her for a picture that she might have of my cousin for a calendar we are making for my grandma. we don’t leave near by to take one like we have of my other cousins. any who this is what she said in the message.

“ I went through my photo boxes and found a great picture of Jackson and Curtis today.  So sorry it took so long to do this….  It’s so hard to go through them!  I think I’ve been crying the whole time.  To be honest, I cropped myself out of the family picture that I ended up using and that was hard too - that was my little family.  It’s just so incredibly sad to me.  He has truly missed everything. “

I just started bawling. doesn’t help that i’m mood swingy and already about to cry at anything.

it made me realize that she probable was just trying not to think about how much she lost. i mean really- she thought she was going to grow old with my uncle. i know that she didn’t really want to have to separate from him, but that at the time he was going to slide down a slippery slope. he abused her one night and she threw him out. she told people. we tried to get him help. it wasn’t like she was going to hide it. she knew that wasn’t him, and if that was what he was going to start to do she needed to put her self out of danger. she had a baby who wasn’t even one at the time. it all makes sense now. now that i’m 10 years older from when it happened. i just wish we could have helped him out more. we all thought he was okay. that he was getting better. he was getting more time to see his son. they were working things out. he just didn’t…. 

in one stupid thought that he wasn’t good enough he killed himself. where i leave 1 in 7 people think about suicide. how many more might think about it and not report it to surveys like that. maybe it really is 1 in 3.

i totally got off of the subject but at the same time hit the right part of the target. don’t ever think that you’re not good enough. don’t ever let someone tell you you can’t do something. unless they tell you you can’t kill yourself. killing yourself doesn’t only hurt yourself- it hurts everyone. everyone who loves you, everyone who knows everyone who loves you- in the end it impacts the whole community. 

DON’T EVER THINK LESS THEN YOUR WHOLE WORTH!! You are so much more!!!

and don’t ever judge anyone when you can’t put yourself in their shoes. i learned that today. 

your voice is in my head! get it out! get it out!!

that’s how i know i can never get rid of you!

you will always be there-

your voice becomes the character in a book i’m reading.

your laugh when the song playing on the radio that reminds me of you.

your husky sorrow when i see the tears on someones face and realize that everyone is human.

everyone makes mistakes.

every day, though i slightly loose what you look like,

how you do certian things,

like walk, 

or sit…

i’ll never be able to get rid of your voice.

it’s what made me know you were still alive

when you were almost dead.

what made me feel like actually getting some sleep

talking til 3 in the morning with you.

what made me realize i really do love you…

that i want to hear your voice when i wake up every morning.

that i want it to be your voice i hear singing to my children,

as you tuck them into bed at night.

your voice

i’ll always have that

you know that song that makes you feel… feel the hot summers under the sun. feel the cold winter that nips. feel the blossom hope of spring. the warmth of fall colors. it makes you feel completely alone, like you’re the only one in the world.. yet it also makes you feel like you are getting the longest, nicest, warmest, hug from that one person who means the world to you- and you to them.

you know that song that makes you feel… feel the hot summers under the sun. feel the cold winter that nips. feel the blossom hope of spring. the warmth of fall colors. it makes you feel completely alone, like you’re the only one in the world.. yet it also makes you feel like you are getting the longest, nicest, warmest, hug from that one person who means the world to you- and you to them.

1

it’s like a memory you’ve never had before…

dancing on the edge of your mind…

teasing your sanity…

longing for it to unveil…

crying at lost hope…

makes you wonder if you’ve lived your De’j’a vu…

hoping that you’ll one day feel the completness of the emptiness…

omgosh!!!! i kind of love / totally hate! how i just start thinking of things that happened to us, where our circles have crossed and then when i decide to look up date to refresh my memory they end up on the same day. 4 years... thanks for being a part of it :)

The Script - The Man Who Can't Be Moved

i got that knot that you hear about getting in books. i knew you were at work. i wanted to see you. i didn't say anything, about feeling you close. then i was muttering under my breath "crap, crap, crap, crap" like i didn't know. but i did. and that knot is still in my heart.

I slowly trek through the new fallen snow

by the bright beaming light of the moon rise.
Colors that shimmer. There's blue in my eyes
brings all the world to a fresh shinning glow.
Up above I see clean tracks of a doe,
while all I can hear from up in the skies
a flock of birds just saying their goodbyes.
From a head I see the trees down below.
I feel a pull on the strings of my heart
that I have belonged right here forever.
I pull of my scarf, my glove, and my cap.
Exposed to nature I feel I'm a part
of this. Oh how I hope to remember!
I pull out my camera, click, click, SNAP!

I'm not mad at you

no, never mad at you.
you're my hero
you're my smiles,
my "smrts",
my angel.
no, not mad,
lost-
confused-
sad-
hurt-
yes....hurt,
but never ever mad.

i fall asleep

at the silence
and isolation
memories fly by
like vivid dreams
i can't eat
stomach aches
like the first time
i fell for you.
i don't want this again
please: break my heart!

Fire Burning Inside

why haven't you called?
you know I'm hurting
this fire inside won't leave
you're my only hope
lock these feelings inside
put my fire out
just say it to my face
nothing can hurt me now
nothing can hurt me more
than the fire burning inside.....

i don't know what you want from me?

you look at me with
intense sorrow
and i can see in your eyes
the wish you have of me.
but when i ask,
and you act like i'm the last person
in the world you want to tell,
i can't help but feel
that you really do need my love.
but you don't really want
to get hurt again.

the rain streaks my window
maybe it will stop
anyone seeing the tears
i don't want you to
see me this way
but i need you
to comfort me
i need you
to confide in
i need you
to have distract me
i need you
to love,
to love me

the rain keeps falling
matching my mood
tears fall just as fast.
the storm of my life.
i need you
to distract me
i need you
to comfort me.
i need you
to love me.

SNAP!

Above the mountains, a new light breaks through.
SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!
Cotton candy clouds.
The moon with a halo of peace among the stars.
SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!
A glimpse of Heaven.
Children on the playground, running, laughing, screaming.
SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!
Innocence in dreaming.
Smiles on our faces or tears in our eyes.
SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!
Memories of our love.

the end is coming
it's the falling action time
every story has one
but there is a sequal on the way
and i can't stop it from coming.
i want to stay here,
going back over the pages in my story i know,
i don't want another part
because i'm worried you won't be in it.
i don't want to go through another climax
where you leave me again
because i'm worried you won't come back
i don't know what i will do
keep writing my sequal, on brand new pages
no matter what happens
or will i tear them out, and give up on life
and write the end instead of
to be continued.....

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/candee1013

What movie are you most looking forward to seeing?

DH II and if you don't know what that is i pity you

Ask me anything

Never haste through your life. You'll just get closer to the end then.

What do you think the world will be like in 50 years?

hopefully peaceful. all this contention gone. all this drama gone. all this major destruction gone. all this lust gone. all this greed gone. all this hatred gone. all this evil gone. i hope and pray every day that this world will know peace.

Ask me anything

my phone is turned off til eric gets paid tomorrow. in the mean time i need to really do some homework. i'm such a terrible student! you have no idea!!!! i really just want to go on an all expense paid trip for forever....

wisdom teeth

got them out. kind of swollen. (okay a lot swollen) need to put ice on it again. tired of soft food. i would kill for a nice sandwich. not has loopy as most people are (sorry to disappoint). have a bruise 4 inches long an inch wide lol but luckily it doesn't hurt at all. ummm... don't know what else to say :) hahaha really wish i was going to hang with cousins today but i'm not :(

If you could live in any house you wanted to, what would it look like?

omg.... way to much to even describe!!! he is just what my kitchen will look like:
"It was a pretty modern looking styled kitchen. Black wood floors. Black cabinets. The stainless steel metal for the sink, fridge, oven, microwave, handles, but most of all my favorite was the edging of the counters were lined with stainless steel, an inch rapping itself around to the top of the counters. And the tops of the counters were glass on top of the black wood. When you first walk in to the room from the hall you see the huge black cabinets that come off the wall to make the pantry. Following that to the right is the two ovens that Jason insisted we needed. Following still is counter top with upper cupboards, with glass doors, for dishes and stuff that runs along to the next wall which isn't really so much wall as it is window. The sink is under the windows along with the dishwasher. I love the sink being under the window so then when I’m rinsing my dishes I don't have to look at the gross stuff but the beautiful city. The windows end to the back door that lead to our back dinning porch. In the middle of it all is our great big island. The island has a built in stove top and heating area on a fourth of it. And there is even the built in garbage hole. Next to that on the side are at least six plugs. One for the toaster. One for the blender. One for the George Foreman Grill. One for the waffle maker. I think you catch the idea. We have six plugs just in case Jason decides he is using every single cooking devise in the house. The bar half of the island is raised about the stove top part. The some what walls that you do see are a deep blood red, along with all the kitchen accessories. The far left wall was brick. I loved it. There was a swinging, black, door in the middle, and there were some small 2 by 2 windows that had the old glass pain look. They lead into the dinning room. And last but certainly not least, my favorite part! It is that the fridge is the first thing you can touch when walking in there. It's right next to the light switches. So I just reach my hand out to the right while walking in and if I miss the light I hit the fridge. And that's where I keep my secret weapon Dr. Pepper!"

Ask me anything

Grey clouds above me
Like when you said you love me
Winds blowing me away
But part of me will always stay
Eyes closed, arms wide
Embrace the storm that I feel inside
No more crying, no more crying
I don't mind a chop or two
But god I love that sound, sound
Thunder of my inner cage so they calm me
Down, down
I look up in the sky
No longer seeing you
Look up in the sky
See the sun coming through

so i feel my life falling apart

(REMAKE) Love Language

hahah i think i'm going to try using this again some more!

Remember me? I used to be that girl you talked to everyday. I was someone you could always count on. I was there when you needed me the most. You told me all your problems because you knew you could trust me. When I needed someone to lean on you were there to lend me your shoulder. Well what happened to those days? How did the distance pull us apart so easily? We act as though we don't even know each other anymore. What hurts the most is that when we walk past one another, I pretend that I don't know you and that you don't know me.