Not quite done yet

Group picture after getting set apart. 

Some tears were shed. Mostly by Eliza and me.

Last picture with Grandma and Grandpa Saunders for two years.

Last picture with Grandma and Grandpa Sidwell for two years.

Another picture with  mom and dad.

Look at this Elder!!

(Awkward) Missionary photo with Eliza. 

 Day of departure!

Packing up the car. Hope we got everything.

Alright let's do this!

Car ride down to Cheesecake Factory.

Somebody fell asleep so we took pictures.

Last couple of hours we will all be in a car together for two years.

Jaden and I used to sleep like this in church. Moment I almost started crying.

Aubree pretending to also be asleep.

Photo bombed by alexa!

Caleb's last glance at Jaden leaving. Caleb already starting to cry.

Poor Caleb. He was really upset.

Most heartbreaking moment of this whole experience.

I mean. I wasn't crying until I saw this face. And if this doesn't make you cry~ I don't know what will.

okay. so i just think i'm pmsing and such, but i really need to vent. and i would normally vent this on my tumblr blog but because it's about the one person who like really reads my blog post (or at least i think she does) i'm putting it here.
again- its not like i hate this person i just have to vent about the thing of the month that bugged the crap out of me.
so my friend had a mac&cheese party planned for today (7/27/12) and i told her i would come. she was talking to me about it the other day and was like "aren't you so excited to eat MAC&CHEESE!!?" and i was like "eh..." she totally just got upset like how can i not love mac&cheese and it kind of 'hurt her feelings' i guess. but i was like "i'll come just know i'm not like OMG MAC&CHEESE like you are."
so then last night i totally realized that like the Olympic opening ceremonies were at the same time as her party and i asked her if we could watch them at her party. she was like "Ummmm we'll see..." so i've been like all day just waiting to watch the opening ceremonies and yeah then i get to her house and she's like
Her: "so here's mac&cheese pizza and omg it's so good so what do you guys want to do? i have moives or... i don't care. what do you want to do?"
Me: "OPENING CEREMONIES OF THE OLYMIPCS!"
her: "they've already happened candalynne. like london is 7 hours ahead. they've already happened."
me: "yeah but they are on right now in america. so we should turn it on!"
her: "well they've been on tumblr all day. just go look at your dashboard on tumblr."
this is where i kind of got bummed out. like seriously it kind of hurt my feelings. like... idk.... but ok watev. i don't like mac and cheese. she doesn't care for the Olympics. but then like we sat there for an hour not doing anything and then she asked again "so what do you guys want to watch. lets watch something." and everyone was like "i don't care what we watch. whatevers fine with me." and i really wanted to be like "well i really want to watch the Olympics and if you guys aren't going to choose then i will." but i didn't.
idk. i just feel like i humored her in going to her party that she was sooo freaking excited about, but she didn't humor me in me wanting to watch the Olympics. I could have stayed home and been happy cuz i could do what would make me happy, and she could have all the mac&cheese that she wanted and not have shared it with me when i really didn't want to eat it.
again. i will state that i'm on my period. and that by tomorrow morning i'm not going to care. but at the same time it really did hurt my feelings. it still stings a bit one cuz it just does. and two i feel like i can't tell her about it and i don't like when i hid stuff from my bff... ya know?
and i really wished that i could have like texted someone but i just don't want to bother with pointless i'm-stuck-at-a-party-and-don't-want-to-be-here-so-i'm-making-pointless-texting-conversation-with-someone-whos-number-i-have conversation.
idk. i just have been hanging out with her a ton and lately its just like.... ok.... we don't need to hang out like every single time neither of us work. like i need to clean my room, and like breath!
and i really miss eric. i just do. and it sucks cuz i was doing good about like feeling like we were just friends and that i didn't have any feelings for him. and then he sends me an email basically saying how he knows i'm the one person he can show that he feels weak too when he's trying to be strong- and how he wants me to help him feel strong. and like i don't know how he's doing cuz it takes a week to get an email and a lot can happen in a week. what if he's just not feeling happier and he wants to come home and he does? i don't want him to come home cuz he feels like he cant do it. i want him to come home when the Lords done with him. even though i miss him so much and if he were to come home i would give him a big hug and tell him that i love him , he needs to be out there. and i've got to move on and find someone else. i've got to get some other relationships under my belt. i've got to be able to know the pain of having my heart broken so when it happens to my daughter i can't tell her about all the jerks i dated before her dad. idk......... i just have a lot to vent about don't i. this is what happens when you are a girl on her period at two in the morning. ugh. well i better go to bed and then figure out what the heck i'm going to do tomorrow. blah.

a year ago today....

a year ago today, we got pulled over for the very first time.

a year ago today, we cry together over the phone and told each other it would be okay. 

a year ago today, i couldn’t sleep.

a year ago today, you kept coming in and out of my dream, saying goodbye, leaving me, making me cry.

a year ago today, you almost died.

a year ago today, the day my life turned upside down.

a year ago today, i was a wreak.

a year ago today, i couldn’t do anything unless i was near you.

a year ago today, all i wanted was you.

a year ago today, i sat by your bed and did everything in my power not to hold you close and tell you never to leave me again.

a year ago today, i watched you with pain on your face.

a year ago today, i met your mother and felt both our hearts stop for a second.

a year ago today, i almost kissed you.

a year ago today, if things had turned out differently…..

if things had turned out differently, there would be no point in me telling you about a year ago today.

 

i always thought that once my uncle died my aunt just didn't care and was kind of glad it happened. they weren't getting along when he killed himself... just how i saw it when i was 9 years old...

but my mom emailed her for a picture that she might have of my cousin for a calendar we are making for my grandma. we don’t leave near by to take one like we have of my other cousins. any who this is what she said in the message.

“ I went through my photo boxes and found a great picture of Jackson and Curtis today.  So sorry it took so long to do this….  It’s so hard to go through them!  I think I’ve been crying the whole time.  To be honest, I cropped myself out of the family picture that I ended up using and that was hard too - that was my little family.  It’s just so incredibly sad to me.  He has truly missed everything. “

I just started bawling. doesn’t help that i’m mood swingy and already about to cry at anything.

it made me realize that she probable was just trying not to think about how much she lost. i mean really- she thought she was going to grow old with my uncle. i know that she didn’t really want to have to separate from him, but that at the time he was going to slide down a slippery slope. he abused her one night and she threw him out. she told people. we tried to get him help. it wasn’t like she was going to hide it. she knew that wasn’t him, and if that was what he was going to start to do she needed to put her self out of danger. she had a baby who wasn’t even one at the time. it all makes sense now. now that i’m 10 years older from when it happened. i just wish we could have helped him out more. we all thought he was okay. that he was getting better. he was getting more time to see his son. they were working things out. he just didn’t…. 

in one stupid thought that he wasn’t good enough he killed himself. where i leave 1 in 7 people think about suicide. how many more might think about it and not report it to surveys like that. maybe it really is 1 in 3.

i totally got off of the subject but at the same time hit the right part of the target. don’t ever think that you’re not good enough. don’t ever let someone tell you you can’t do something. unless they tell you you can’t kill yourself. killing yourself doesn’t only hurt yourself- it hurts everyone. everyone who loves you, everyone who knows everyone who loves you- in the end it impacts the whole community. 

DON’T EVER THINK LESS THEN YOUR WHOLE WORTH!! You are so much more!!!

and don’t ever judge anyone when you can’t put yourself in their shoes. i learned that today. 

your voice is in my head! get it out! get it out!!

that’s how i know i can never get rid of you!

you will always be there-

your voice becomes the character in a book i’m reading.

your laugh when the song playing on the radio that reminds me of you.

your husky sorrow when i see the tears on someones face and realize that everyone is human.

everyone makes mistakes.

every day, though i slightly loose what you look like,

how you do certian things,

like walk, 

or sit…

i’ll never be able to get rid of your voice.

it’s what made me know you were still alive

when you were almost dead.

what made me feel like actually getting some sleep

talking til 3 in the morning with you.

what made me realize i really do love you…

that i want to hear your voice when i wake up every morning.

that i want it to be your voice i hear singing to my children,

as you tuck them into bed at night.

your voice

i’ll always have that

you know that song that makes you feel… feel the hot summers under the sun. feel the cold winter that nips. feel the blossom hope of spring. the warmth of fall colors. it makes you feel completely alone, like you’re the only one in the world.. yet it also makes you feel like you are getting the longest, nicest, warmest, hug from that one person who means the world to you- and you to them.

you know that song that makes you feel… feel the hot summers under the sun. feel the cold winter that nips. feel the blossom hope of spring. the warmth of fall colors. it makes you feel completely alone, like you’re the only one in the world.. yet it also makes you feel like you are getting the longest, nicest, warmest, hug from that one person who means the world to you- and you to them.

1

it’s like a memory you’ve never had before…

dancing on the edge of your mind…

teasing your sanity…

longing for it to unveil…

crying at lost hope…

makes you wonder if you’ve lived your De’j’a vu…

hoping that you’ll one day feel the completness of the emptiness…

omgosh!!!! i kind of love / totally hate! how i just start thinking of things that happened to us, where our circles have crossed and then when i decide to look up date to refresh my memory they end up on the same day. 4 years... thanks for being a part of it :)

The Script - The Man Who Can't Be Moved

i got that knot that you hear about getting in books. i knew you were at work. i wanted to see you. i didn't say anything, about feeling you close. then i was muttering under my breath "crap, crap, crap, crap" like i didn't know. but i did. and that knot is still in my heart.

I slowly trek through the new fallen snow

by the bright beaming light of the moon rise.
Colors that shimmer. There's blue in my eyes
brings all the world to a fresh shinning glow.
Up above I see clean tracks of a doe,
while all I can hear from up in the skies
a flock of birds just saying their goodbyes.
From a head I see the trees down below.
I feel a pull on the strings of my heart
that I have belonged right here forever.
I pull of my scarf, my glove, and my cap.
Exposed to nature I feel I'm a part
of this. Oh how I hope to remember!
I pull out my camera, click, click, SNAP!

I'm not mad at you

no, never mad at you.
you're my hero
you're my smiles,
my "smrts",
my angel.
no, not mad,
lost-
confused-
sad-
hurt-
yes....hurt,
but never ever mad.

i fall asleep

at the silence
and isolation
memories fly by
like vivid dreams
i can't eat
stomach aches
like the first time
i fell for you.
i don't want this again
please: break my heart!

Fire Burning Inside

why haven't you called?
you know I'm hurting
this fire inside won't leave
you're my only hope
lock these feelings inside
put my fire out
just say it to my face
nothing can hurt me now
nothing can hurt me more
than the fire burning inside.....

i don't know what you want from me?

you look at me with
intense sorrow
and i can see in your eyes
the wish you have of me.
but when i ask,
and you act like i'm the last person
in the world you want to tell,
i can't help but feel
that you really do need my love.
but you don't really want
to get hurt again.

the rain streaks my window
maybe it will stop
anyone seeing the tears
i don't want you to
see me this way
but i need you
to comfort me
i need you
to confide in
i need you
to have distract me
i need you
to love,
to love me

the rain keeps falling
matching my mood
tears fall just as fast.
the storm of my life.
i need you
to distract me
i need you
to comfort me.
i need you
to love me.

SNAP!

Above the mountains, a new light breaks through.
SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!
Cotton candy clouds.
The moon with a halo of peace among the stars.
SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!
A glimpse of Heaven.
Children on the playground, running, laughing, screaming.
SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!
Innocence in dreaming.
Smiles on our faces or tears in our eyes.
SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!
Memories of our love.

the end is coming
it's the falling action time
every story has one
but there is a sequal on the way
and i can't stop it from coming.
i want to stay here,
going back over the pages in my story i know,
i don't want another part
because i'm worried you won't be in it.
i don't want to go through another climax
where you leave me again
because i'm worried you won't come back
i don't know what i will do
keep writing my sequal, on brand new pages
no matter what happens
or will i tear them out, and give up on life
and write the end instead of
to be continued.....